Last Saturday, I learned how to have a sparkling clean floor in 10
easy steps using the Neglected Toddler Method. I’ll share this method with you, though it doesn’t come with stellar recommendations.
1. After your toddler has woken you up at the unholy hour of 6:30 on a Saturday morning, decide to haul the dirty laundry down two flights of stairs to just get it over with, already. Assume said toddler is following you. Don’t bother to start the coffee because you’re going to be right back up from the basement. (Hahahaahaaaha!!!!)
2. Sort laundry and start a load, noticing after you come back upstairs that it’s suspiciously quiet on the first floor.
3. Head upstairs to investigate.
4. Discover that said toddler has dumped an entire brand-new bottle of Johnson & Johnson’s baby shampoo all over herself (head to toe), the bathroom floor, and the hardwood hall floor.
5. This step is very important: Refrain from cursing.
6. Ever-so-gently place slippery toddler into the bath and run the water as you mentally debate the best method for cleaning up approximately 15 oz. of baby shampoo. Be amazed, yet again, at how much surface area a relatively small amount liquid can cover.
7. Using dry hand towels, wipe up as much of the soap as possible. Then use wet wash cloths. Lather, rinse, repeat. Decide that you probably won’t need to use laundry detergent for this load of towels. Entertain a quick mental picture of the washing machine overflowing with bubbles, and decide, Scarlett-O’Hara-style, to think about that tomorrow.
8. Peevishly note that the toddler is having the time of her life in the biggest! bubble! bath! EVER! Resign yourself to the fact that a stern talking-to from you, complete with furrowed eyebrows, is probably the only discipline she’ll get for this infraction.
9. While you’re washing the hall floor, note how close the soap is to the top of the hardwood stairs. Have a mild heart attack while you envision the worst, and then thank the Lord that it didn’t actually happen. Use the extra adrenaline to finish washing the floor.
10. Drag the toddler out of the bath, dress her, and head downstairs to finally start the coffee.